Nobody Asked Me But:
Jim AND Jim
Campaign Manager: “Obama is an empty shirt.”
CM: “A media hog!”
CM: “A rock star!”
John McCain: You’re right. Time to show him up! But first,…
JM: “can you get me his autograph for my collection?”
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/28/08
Nobody Asked Me But:
Jim AND Jim
JH: “So is Obama trying to “out-faith-base” McCain?”
JT: “Yes, and Bush too.”
JT: “But what I really don’t get is..
JT: If the programs are really faith-based..
JT: Why isn’t God paying for them?”
Jim AND Jim
JH: “So is Obama trying to “out-faith-base” McCain?”
JT: “Yes, and Bush too.”
JT: “But what I really don’t get is..
JT: If the programs are really faith-based..
JT: Why isn’t God paying for them?”
Friday, July 18, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/19/08
THREE FOR SATURDAY
Nobody Asked Me But:
J&J
Jesse Jackson: “I hate the ‘N’ word!”
JJ: “I won’t use the ‘N’ word!”
JJ: “I don’t use the ‘N’ word!’
JJ: “Unless I’m off camera!”
J&J
JT: “Listen to this Jim!”
JT: “As the apple tree among the trees of the woods, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”
JH: “WOW! That’s hot!”
JH: “Is it from the new best seller ‘Erotica?’”
JT: “Nope. ‘Song of Solomon 2:3.’”
J&J
PHILOSOPHY CORNER
JH: “The dating world is so different.”
JH: “Now it’s all about tattoos and fake boobs.”
JT: “It’s even worse than that.”
JH: “What could be worse?”
JT: “Tattoos on fake boobs.”
Nobody Asked Me But:
J&J
Jesse Jackson: “I hate the ‘N’ word!”
JJ: “I won’t use the ‘N’ word!”
JJ: “I don’t use the ‘N’ word!’
JJ: “Unless I’m off camera!”
J&J
JT: “Listen to this Jim!”
JT: “As the apple tree among the trees of the woods, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”
JH: “WOW! That’s hot!”
JH: “Is it from the new best seller ‘Erotica?’”
JT: “Nope. ‘Song of Solomon 2:3.’”
J&J
PHILOSOPHY CORNER
JH: “The dating world is so different.”
JH: “Now it’s all about tattoos and fake boobs.”
JT: “It’s even worse than that.”
JH: “What could be worse?”
JT: “Tattoos on fake boobs.”
Nobody Daily 7/18/08
Nobody Asked Me But:
J&J
JT: (Showing off his new Hawaiian outfit) “Son of the beach!”
JT: “Son of the beach!”
JT: “I am a son of the beach!”
Barbara: “Yes!”
J&J
JT: (Showing off his new Hawaiian outfit) “Son of the beach!”
JT: “Son of the beach!”
JT: “I am a son of the beach!”
Barbara: “Yes!”
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/17/08
J&J
Nobody Asked Me But:
JT: “Jim. Check out this campaign theme song I have written for both Obama and McCain.” (With a bow of appreciation to Paul Simon’s Slip-sliding Away.)
JT: Flip-flopping away,
JT: Flip-flopping away,
JT: The closer it gets to November
JT: The more we’re flip-flopping away.
JT: I know two runners
JT: Who want to win.
JT: They’ll do anything they can short of a mortal sin.
JT: They said to voters, if you vote for me,
JT: Then anyone you want is who that I will be
JT: Flip-flopping away,
JT: Flip-flopping away,
JT: The closer it gets to November
JT: The more we’re flip-flopping away.
Nobody Asked Me But:
JT: “Jim. Check out this campaign theme song I have written for both Obama and McCain.” (With a bow of appreciation to Paul Simon’s Slip-sliding Away.)
JT: Flip-flopping away,
JT: Flip-flopping away,
JT: The closer it gets to November
JT: The more we’re flip-flopping away.
JT: I know two runners
JT: Who want to win.
JT: They’ll do anything they can short of a mortal sin.
JT: They said to voters, if you vote for me,
JT: Then anyone you want is who that I will be
JT: Flip-flopping away,
JT: Flip-flopping away,
JT: The closer it gets to November
JT: The more we’re flip-flopping away.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/16/08
Nobody Asked Me But:
J&J
JH: “Have you read all the static coming out of McCain’s camp?”
JH: “Yes, they claim Obama is constantly shifting positions.”
JT: “They are just being defensive.”
JT: “They seem to think that their candidate is shiftless.”
J&J
JH: “Have you read all the static coming out of McCain’s camp?”
JH: “Yes, they claim Obama is constantly shifting positions.”
JT: “They are just being defensive.”
JT: “They seem to think that their candidate is shiftless.”
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/15/08
Nobody Asked Me But:
J&J
(Jim is working in the patio - I told you this was a farce – the eco-police are hovering overhead in a copter)
JT: I guess I will wash down my patio.
EP: STOP WASTING WATER!
JT: All right then, I will use my blowers
EP: STOP WASTING ELECTRICITY!
JT: Then I’ll just use the old muscle power and sweep.
EP: THAT’S A SYNTHETIC BROOM. IT ISN’T BIO-DIGRADABLE!
JT: All right, I’ll just leave it the way it is.
EP: CLEAN UP THAT MESSY PATIO OR YOU WILL BE SUBJECT TO FINES, IMPRISONMENT OR BOTH!
J&J
(Jim is working in the patio - I told you this was a farce – the eco-police are hovering overhead in a copter)
JT: I guess I will wash down my patio.
EP: STOP WASTING WATER!
JT: All right then, I will use my blowers
EP: STOP WASTING ELECTRICITY!
JT: Then I’ll just use the old muscle power and sweep.
EP: THAT’S A SYNTHETIC BROOM. IT ISN’T BIO-DIGRADABLE!
JT: All right, I’ll just leave it the way it is.
EP: CLEAN UP THAT MESSY PATIO OR YOU WILL BE SUBJECT TO FINES, IMPRISONMENT OR BOTH!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/14/08
Nobody Asked Me But:
J&J
JH: “Jim, did you see that the U.S. is spending $1 million-per-mile on the border-security fence?”
JT: “What a waste!”
JT: “A few simple signs would have done the trick.”
JT: “Gas - $6 per gallon. Captain Crunch - $6 per box. Baseball ticket - $60.”
J&J
JH: “Jim, did you see that the U.S. is spending $1 million-per-mile on the border-security fence?”
JT: “What a waste!”
JT: “A few simple signs would have done the trick.”
JT: “Gas - $6 per gallon. Captain Crunch - $6 per box. Baseball ticket - $60.”
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/12/08
TWO FOR SATURDAY
Nobody Asked Me But:
THE CANDIDATE
McCain: “Monday I called Social Security a disgrace.”
McCain: “Wednesday I froze on video when asked whether or not insurance companies should pay for birth control.”
McCain: “Yesterday my advisers called America a nation of ‘whiners.’”
McCain: “Now that’s what I call a good week of campaigning.”
THE CANDIDATE
Barack: “Good morning press people.”
Barack: “Here is the proposal I am making to Senator McCain.”
Barack: “If he stops lying about me,
Barack: I will stop telling the truth about him.”
Nobody Asked Me But:
THE CANDIDATE
McCain: “Monday I called Social Security a disgrace.”
McCain: “Wednesday I froze on video when asked whether or not insurance companies should pay for birth control.”
McCain: “Yesterday my advisers called America a nation of ‘whiners.’”
McCain: “Now that’s what I call a good week of campaigning.”
THE CANDIDATE
Barack: “Good morning press people.”
Barack: “Here is the proposal I am making to Senator McCain.”
Barack: “If he stops lying about me,
Barack: I will stop telling the truth about him.”
Friday, July 11, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/11/08
Nobody Asked Me But:
J&J
JH: “Come on Jim. Aren’t you being too hard on Obama?”
JH: “Every candidate modifies his views a little in order to win.”
JT: “A little I don’t mind.”
JT: “But Barrack is eating every day at the Waffle House.”
J&J
JH: “Come on Jim. Aren’t you being too hard on Obama?”
JH: “Every candidate modifies his views a little in order to win.”
JT: “A little I don’t mind.”
JT: “But Barrack is eating every day at the Waffle House.”
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/10/08
Nobody Asked Me But:
THE RECRUIT
Reporter: “Will you play in Europe or go to college?”
The Recruit: “I’m going to college!”
Reporter: “Europe or go to college?”
TR: I’m going to college!
Reporter: “College means you have to take a few classes.”
TR: “I’m going to Europe!”
THE FAN
Nobody Asked Me But:
The Fan: “We need him!”
JT: “He might play in Europe.”
The Fan: “We need him!”
JT: “He might play in Europe.”
The “Fan: We need him!”
JT: “He’s decided to play in Europe.”
The Fan: “Who cares. We never really wanted him anyway.”
THE RECRUIT
Reporter: “Will you play in Europe or go to college?”
The Recruit: “I’m going to college!”
Reporter: “Europe or go to college?”
TR: I’m going to college!
Reporter: “College means you have to take a few classes.”
TR: “I’m going to Europe!”
THE FAN
Nobody Asked Me But:
The Fan: “We need him!”
JT: “He might play in Europe.”
The Fan: “We need him!”
JT: “He might play in Europe.”
The “Fan: We need him!”
JT: “He’s decided to play in Europe.”
The Fan: “Who cares. We never really wanted him anyway.”
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/9/08
THE CANDIDATE
John McCain: “I will not pander to the religious right!”
John McCain: “I will not pander to the religious right!”
Campaign Manager: “Without them, you will lose the election.”
John McCain: “Onward Christian Soldiers!”
John McCain: “I will not pander to the religious right!”
John McCain: “I will not pander to the religious right!”
Campaign Manager: “Without them, you will lose the election.”
John McCain: “Onward Christian Soldiers!”
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/8/08
Nobody Asked Me But:
Jim AND Jim
JT: “Did you see what Bush wants to do with some big oil people?”
JH: “No, what is he up to?”
JT: “He wants to give them number designations – 007 ½.”
JH: “What in the heck is 007 ½ supposed to mean?”
JT: “License to drill.”
Jim AND Jim
JT: “Did you see what Bush wants to do with some big oil people?”
JH: “No, what is he up to?”
JT: “He wants to give them number designations – 007 ½.”
JH: “What in the heck is 007 ½ supposed to mean?”
JT: “License to drill.”
Monday, July 7, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/7/08
Jim AND Jim
THE IMAM
Imam: “Go young martyrs!”
Imam: “Allah will welcome you.”
Imam: “Virgins will welcome you.”
Martyr: “Are you coming with us Imam?”
Imam: “Alas, I’m too old for virgins.”
Imam: “You young have all the luck.”
THE IMAM
Imam: “Go young martyrs!”
Imam: “Allah will welcome you.”
Imam: “Virgins will welcome you.”
Martyr: “Are you coming with us Imam?”
Imam: “Alas, I’m too old for virgins.”
Imam: “You young have all the luck.”
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Nobody Daily 7/5/08
TWO FOR SATURDAY
Nobody Asked Me But:
Jim AND Jim
JT: “Here’s one for you Jim.”
JH: “All right. I’m ready.”
JT: “What are the most outdated words in the English language?”
JH: “I give up. What are they?”
JH: “Customer service.”
JH: “Jim, did you read this?”
JH: “Barack met in Unity (NH) with Hillary.”
JH: “In Independence (MO) with Bill.”
JT: “I know. Now he says he will go to Hell (MI) to debate McCain.”
JT: “And will wind up in Victory (VT) on Election Day.”
Nobody Asked Me But:
Jim AND Jim
JT: “Here’s one for you Jim.”
JH: “All right. I’m ready.”
JT: “What are the most outdated words in the English language?”
JH: “I give up. What are they?”
JH: “Customer service.”
JH: “Jim, did you read this?”
JH: “Barack met in Unity (NH) with Hillary.”
JH: “In Independence (MO) with Bill.”
JT: “I know. Now he says he will go to Hell (MI) to debate McCain.”
JT: “And will wind up in Victory (VT) on Election Day.”
Friday, July 4, 2008
7/4/08
As you can see by the date, I wrote this Nobody twelve years ago today. It was number 24. It seems as relevant today as it was then.HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!
July 4, 1996
Nobody Asked Me But.....
I do wish a happy birthday to my country. With all its faults, it still offers the best combination of freedom and opportunity of any place on earth.
In the opinion section of Sunday's Times, there was a long article in which many people replied to the question "what movies best represent or typify America and our way of life?" The answers ranged from the expected "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington" to the unusual "Deep Throat." In any case, I found the question fascinating, and so here are my four choices. The first three are in no particular order, but the last is the one I consider most typical.
For my first choice, I am going to cheat a little and choose a genre rather than a single movie. I am talking about the pure and innocent, or sometimes not so pure and innocent, hero against the corrupt establishment. In other words, the Jefferson theme played over and over again in a myriad of times and settings. I am referring here to "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington," "Shane," "To Kill A Mockingbird" and a thousand others. America has always been a sucker for Jeffersonian idealism as long as they can temper it with a little old-fashion Hamiltonian greed.
Which is a nice way to sidestep into my next choice - a strange one in that it does not even deal with the United States. The movie I am talking about is "Schindler's List." How does this represent America? Because Schindler personifies the combination of Jefferson and Hamilton - representing the best of both philosophies. Do good and make a profit out of it. And if you finally have to choose between the two, choose the good.
My third choice is "Do The Right Thing." This film, which I believe to be an underrated classic, shows that the melting pot is ever ready to boil over. Racism, of both the domestic and European immigrant variety, is ever-present, and when you force immigrants and racial minorities to compete for a relatively small share of the economic pie, as we have always done, violent confrontation on some sort of regular basis is going to be the tragic result.
My fourth (actually my first) choice may surprise you. It is "The Wizard of Oz." We are a nation of Dorothys always looking for an easy way to solve our very serious problems. Our first choice is to be rescued by a wizard, usually, but not always, political. When that doesn't work, and more and more it doesn't, we retreat to our backup fantasy, a childhood and childish dream that we can stomp our feet and click our heels and our troubles will disappear. This is so much easier than the hard choices and hard work which is really our only salvation.
Enjoy the fireworks!!!
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Nobody Daily – 7/3/08
Nobody Asked Me But:
JIM AND JIM
JH: “Time had an interesting article last week.”
JH: “It asked a tough question.”
JH: “Should you drink with your kids?”
JT: “That’s an easy one to answer.”
JT: “Only if they’re buying.”
JIM AND JIM
JH: “Time had an interesting article last week.”
JH: “It asked a tough question.”
JH: “Should you drink with your kids?”
JT: “That’s an easy one to answer.”
JT: “Only if they’re buying.”
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Nobody Daily – 7/2/08
Nobody Asked Me But:
(The Shrink and the Evangelical Preacher – Part II)
EP: “I don’t get it. I’m fighting for the sanctity of heterosexual marriage,
EP: and my wife gets bent all out of shape.”
Shrink: “That must be hard to take.”
EP: “It is. And that’s only half the story.”
EP: “My girlfriend is acting the same way.”
(The Shrink and the Evangelical Preacher – Part II)
EP: “I don’t get it. I’m fighting for the sanctity of heterosexual marriage,
EP: and my wife gets bent all out of shape.”
Shrink: “That must be hard to take.”
EP: “It is. And that’s only half the story.”
EP: “My girlfriend is acting the same way.”
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Nobody Daily – 7/1/08
Nobody Asked Me But:
(The Shrink and the Evangelical Preacher)
Shrink: “How can I help you?”
EP: “My wife says I’ve become a hater, and she will leave me if I don’t change.”
EP: “She says I’m so obsessed with gay marriage that I have no time left for her.”
Shrink: “So, is she right? Do you hate gays?”
EP: “No! I do not hate those queer, faggot, SOBs as people!”
EP: “I just hate their actions.”
(The Shrink and the Evangelical Preacher)
Shrink: “How can I help you?”
EP: “My wife says I’ve become a hater, and she will leave me if I don’t change.”
EP: “She says I’m so obsessed with gay marriage that I have no time left for her.”
Shrink: “So, is she right? Do you hate gays?”
EP: “No! I do not hate those queer, faggot, SOBs as people!”
EP: “I just hate their actions.”
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